30-10-2026

Today, i called off work as a use of tit-for-tat in game theory. I hope it works. If it does not work, I do not think i care too much. In the gig economy there are plenty of jobs. Anyway, i am pretty resilient. I have been extremely poor in my time. poor and hungry. I don't think it will get to that again and if it does then i shall be poor and hungry until i am not. But i am starting to actualise a little bit now - the EMDR is implanting some positive thoughts in my head. 'i am powerful,' 'my body belongs to me,' 'i deserve nice things,' when i was being reprogrammed i remarked 'this is what it used to feel like when i sniffed ketamine!' both me and my therapist felt the whole thing was rather unintentionally on the nose... But now i am realising i am powerful! insofar as i have agency! I have power over my life. i Think i was living in bad faith before, hoping that if i did enough of things i didn't like that in the end i would be living a life i did like! well, that is just absurd. I am so pleased i realise this now. More likely, i must live a life i like, in order to live a life i like. I think i have resigned myself to the fact i will likely not have a career of prestige and i will not be Joan of Arc or any other martyr who invariably is only revered posthumously and who, ultimately, must die. no, i shall live and i shall live well. Because for me living is largely a state of mind. Now I am using my free will again and demolishing self-imposed limiting beliefs i am so excited to live for the rest of my life! i hope it is long! anyway, i won't be a martyr at work. i will leave. life is far too precious for an emotionally incontinent boss to be verbally dousing me in a diarrhoea of vitriol.

🔴the new equation

it suddenly all feels very silly, free and fun! I have been holding myself back immeasurably! It is wonderful to express myself! even if it not understood or reciprocated it is still a marvellous thing to do and to feel and it is ultimatley things like that that make me feel alive. i wish to experience everything! i feel so greedy for life (today) and so i must accept the good with the bad because not all experiences can be good and painfully, it is the hard ones you learn from. So SO SO much to do and see and learn! I am euphoric (which is bad because it is past my bedtime and i have gone and got myself all excited )

Goodnight,
Miss Hooch